Let’s be honest. I’ve fallen into some really bad relationship with actual crazy people, whether I was bored or naive in these situations I’m still not sure. I’ve had it all. Stalkers. Serial killers (ok, I’m still not sure about this one but he COULD have killed me). Felons. Old men pretending to be young men. Women pretending to be men. Institutionalized people. Good people who have fallen into bad situations. And the just plain bad people. But none of those things compare to THIS guy:

I “met” this guy online back in 2007. We were friendly with each other and gradually became closer over the years. And by closer I mean we went from talking over a message board to exchanging phone numbers and texting. I don’t typically give my phone number to strangers from the Internet but this guy and I had been talking for a few years and he lived 15 hours away. What was he going to do? Right?

Well we continued our friendship over the last few years talking once or twice a month. IF THAT. We would go for a month or two (or eight) without talking at all. At one point in time I forgot this guy even existed. But somehow he would always show back up. Which was fine. We were “friends”.

Maybe once or twice a year this guy would have to travel to a nearby city from his home 15 hours away for work. He would always suggest meeting up for dinner or drinks while he was nearby. I had no intent of ever meeting this guy in real life, but instead of being rude I would always politely decline his invitations by saying my boyfriend would be balls deep in me fucking my brains out by that time so I would be unable to go.

He would offer to buy me plane tickets to come visit him where he lived. I figured this was just a friendly gesture since I had never been to his city. Which again, I always politely declined. When/if we ever did talk it was always very friendly casual conversation. I remember telling him when Josh and I were moving in together. He asked weird questions but I figured he was just being a caring friend.

So fast forward a few months of us not talking and us having short awkward conversations. We begin talking one day and he starts calling me sweetie and baby. I told him not to call me things like that because I’m not his sweetie or his baby, and besides it’s just creepy. I apologize for ever leading him to believe we were or ever would be more than friends, even though NO action I EVER made would cause a sane person to think that. He then tells me that I never lead him on. That he actually was, in fact, MY BOYFRIEND! “oh no you didn’t lead me on…I’m your boyfriend!” what?!? He continues to tell me that were are about to celebrate our three year anniversary. I have been “happily” “dating” this guy for almost three years! WHAT??? Someone please explain where our conversations about the weather and how my boyfriend is so good at laying pipe he might as well be a plumber resulted in an ongoing long-distance relationship with this guy that I’ve never even met before! How does one draw that conclusion?! Does he have my printed out FB photos framed on his desk? This is a 30-something year old man that I wouldn’t date in real life even if he had a lot of money. I haven’t heard from him since I had to explain that he is definitely not my boyfriend and I would appreciate him to NEVER contact me again. I had to tell him I am getting married to someone else for jim to believe me. But that pobably won’t stop him from telling his coworkers that we got married or something.

There’s this other guy though that I see on my drive to work almost every morning. He’s black. Like REALLY black. Like bandana and pants at his ankles and all (not that that matters but I just want to ask what about my personality/style would ever suggest to a black guy like that that I want to date them). But this guy apparently thinks he is also my boyfriend because I accidentally made eye contact with him while driving ONE time a few months ago. He now rolls his windows down and waves to me and blows me kisses and FOLLOWS ME INTO THE GAS STATION every chance he gets. What’s he think? I’m going to give him my phone number based on the fact that we both drive volkswagens? What’s the deal with men?

I know you’re wondering about the guy that almost killed me. I met him on the walking mall when I was especially lonely one day. He was kinda cute and like I said, I was lonely. So I started talking him and since I was only on my lunch break from work I decided to give him my phone number so we could get together some time. He walked with me back to work (yes, I had just revealed to this person that I didn’t know where I worked… Yikes) we said our nice to meet yous and he said he would call me later. Who knew that later would actually be ten minutes later asking if we could get together later that night. He kept telling me how beautiful I was and how he couldn’t wait to see me again (yes, we talked for a total of five minutes while I was on my break). I agreed to meet with him that night after work for dinner at brewbakers. Fast forward. It’s now 6:00 and I’m closing up the shop for the night, my other co-workers had left for the night, and I was alone. Then, surprisingly this guy, JR, walked in. JR said he was so excited about our date that night that he just couldn’t wait till our scheduled time and we should just go right then. I didn’t have anything going on so I agreed. Though I did find it VERY strange he showed up at my work. I was scared. But whatever. As soon as we walked outside it started pouring down rain. Like pouring. We start running to brewbakers but he makes a sudden turn. I ask where he’s going and he said for me to just follow. So i did. We end up at his apartment building. He says he wants to make me dinner instead. Wow how sweet. By this point I’m totally creeped out and have my guard up all the way. We walk into his apartment and let me just say that I’ve seen homeless people with better personal hygeine than this guy. His aparment was a MESS. He didn’t even have a bed. Just a futon mattress on the floor. He gives me a tour of his place- why he would ever want people to see that is beyond me though. He sits down on the couch and asks me to sit on his lap. Uh… NO! After arguing back and forth about this I tell him it was a bad idea for me to even come over and that I was going to leave. Enter possessive JR. He slams the door shut and tells me I can’t leave. He tries to start kissing me, which I am still somehow able to dodge while he is trying to get me to feel his boner. Yes! This guy I had talked to for now 15 minutes. Total. I get him off me and tell him I’m leaving. He begs me not to go and says that he just finds me irresistable and he would try not to touch me anymore. I can’t remember if this next part happened before or after he showed me his illegal gun and knife collection… He tells me that he is the kind of guy that fucks girls he just met and that’s how he decides if he wants to date them. At this point in my life I was not interested in fucking random dudes and told him that I date guys to see if I want to fuck them. Not the other way around. I don’t remember what happened next. But somehow we parted ways with him telling me he’d really like to try things my way. The next day I called him and told him I wasn’t going to see him any more because he kind of creeped me out and shit. Then he turned ultra creepy/stalkerish on me and started calling me 20 times a day saying he would find me and date me. Or rape me. Threatening me. Scary shit! So weeks past where I wouldn’t work or walk alone. He knew where I worked. Where I went for lunch. What car I drove. I was scared. Finally I told my friends about it who all said I needed a restraining order against him. My friend Tommy decided to call him and pretend to be my boyfriend to get him to go away. Tommy told him that we were dating and for him to leave me alone or he would deep fry JR’s fingers and put spiders on him while he’s sleeping and all kinds of shit. This set JR off even more. I ignored all his phone calls and eventually months later I guess he must have just gone away. I cannot remember all the details anymore. I saw him about two weeks after he finally stopped calling me at daily grind. He had a really slutty looking girl with him and he made sure to make-out with her right in front of me. I didn’t care. I was thankful. He was then leaving, but not before he pulled his gun out at me! He put it back and ran before I could even do anything!

I have a million stories. Guys putting their wieners on me in public places. And more. What the fuck is wrong with men though?!